Interviewer: “Did you think you had any chance of winning?”

Robert Downey Jr.: “Of course I did. I always do. If I’m not in my own corner, why should anyone else be?”

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE MOST SELF-IMPORTANT BLOGGER OF HER GENERATION:

…because then Tsunku forces you to graduate and “pursue modeling”, that’s why.

Perhaps I sound like some flailing would-be Nostradamus for this one, but as my previous posts on Reimagining Sub-par Ayumi Hamasaki Videos have indicated, I like to imagine different videos for good songs, okay? And I always thought that the video for ‘Osaka koi no Uta’ was woefully lacking, as stunning as that song is. What did I imagine in its place? A fashion/runway/photoshoot/make-up theme.

I am not even kidding, I’ve had this fake concept for like three years, and then the costumes come out for ‘Onna ga Medatte Naze Ikenai’ and everyone is comparing them to ‘Osaka koi no Uta’. Gotta admit, I’ll take that comparison. And then…THEN….the PV preview dropped, as did my jaw. This is pretty much the concept I’d been wanting!

A concept that would have been right in place with the dwindling but still-ample budget of Morning Musume PV’s during the transitional 6th-to-7th generation. Whereas the “we’re not going to really light anything, so just use your imagination” PV for ‘Osaka koi no Uta’ could be exactly what I was expecting here.

Don’t get me wrong, though. ‘Nanchatte Renai’, for all its (imo) flaws, had great lighting and camerawork, too. I still say ‘Shouganai Yume Oibito’ was a gorgeous video. ‘Kimagure Princess’ and ‘Naichau Kamo’ suffered from the same problem as most C-ute videos: lack of scope. But here comes ‘Onna ga Medatte Naze Ikenai’ down the line, and…what’s this…?

RACK FOCUS. TRACKING SHOT. AMAZING LIGHTING. THE GIRLS WORKIN’ IT. lack of Koharu, sniff. COLOR. IT LOOKS GLOSSY AND CLASSY AND FIERCE.

This is the mature, self-aware, well-marketed Morning Musume I never saw in 2010.

Well played, Tsunku, well played. Now, the question: was it all waiting for Koharu’s departure? Because I think the girl would have slipped right into a more mature look (even though those costumes make you think “there is no fucking way this is a mature video lawl” NO IT SERIOUSLY IS), but the timing would prove otherwise. Sure she got to be in the ‘Kimagure T&A’ video, but that was just…baffling. Still very baffling, what they were trying to accomplish with that one.

For reference, here is the video, albeit still pretty LQ:

Everyone is staggeringly beautiful, with the exception of Aika, who has no big sexy lips to pout, and would be better suited working with Hagiawara Mai in a new unit for Large Heads.

And oh, my. The transformation of Gaki-san from the last single to this one. I was beginning to think we’d lost her, that she was just turning to a skinny girl with a very pointy face, but NO!! This is the Gaki I know and love and….other things. GAKI. Fuckin’ KAMEI, too.

But mostly, ladies and gentlemen, the Pandas. LinLin obviously owns that runway. Miss J Alexander would approve. And we think that’s it until JUNJUN comes marching in, her legs get their own close-up, and she just throws fierce all over that camera lens. Hot damn, gurl, you fine.

Gaki, Sayu, Kamei and Aika are all obviously sabotaged by terrible direction of how to pose at the end of the runway, unless they think that’s really how models pose at the end of a runway, in which case:

But this is just focusing on the particulars. This video, in general, leaves me feeling happy for Morning Musume. That maybe they’ve found that magical niche after a year of flailing around and trying to locate it. I really hope this single does well on the charts, as the video is fucking FIERCE and it’s not like AKB48 picked a salacious follow-up to ‘RIVER’ or anything (I like it, okay, but….yeah).

Hopefully I can update this with screenshots, but that’s all dependent on how soon I can get a copy.

P.S. The line where they all go “MY FACE!” still cracks my shit up.

What is there, really, to say, argue, or critically analyze about an SNSD song? Sure, until the MV comes out we can talk all we want about how it sounds this way or that way, but in the end, ‘OH!’ is just as catchy as anything we’re wont to hear from the SME ennead.

The thing that really matters here, let’s face it, are thighs and dance moves. In other words, a great MV.

I think this is a great MV.

But don’t trust me on that. Let’s go to the screencaps. I took…too many. I want to share them. You can click on each screenie for the HUGE VERSION. I just wanted this post to look nice and neat as you scrolled through, because I can understand how 75+ caps at over 1000px wide can seem sort of daunting, especially with my layout that loves to fuck up margins and squish up photos.

Sorry about the screencapping program watermark on top of most of them. I know how to turn that off but by the time I was finished capping I realized I hadn’t. You can deal with it. >:|

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Ayumi in 2001

I’m watching Stadium Tour 2002 right now. I’m watching Ayumi Hamasaki, looking naturally gorgeous and well-appointed in a pseudo-Western leather outfit. She’s taking the stage from left to right and back again, spinning, dancing, singing her heart out. She never misses a beat, a pitch, a chance to pump the crowd (but never at the sake of the song). She improvises and plays to the camera. She is smiling, she is winning, she is dripping sweat by the third song but she is radiant with confidence and star power.

It’s a very elaborate concert, but it is like nothing we have seen from Ayumi since. Stadium Tour 2002, you see, allowed for one key thing: Ayumi’s movement as a performer and a singer.

As a singer.

I’m reading new updates at J-Cast and Livedoor. I’m remembering her public apology for the recent performance of ‘evolution’ at Music Festival. The Japanese media is finally pulling back the gag on trash-talking Ayumi, and no one seems afraid, anymore, to shout that the Emperor has no clothes, or, in this case, the Empress has no voice.

I’m watching Stadium Tour 2002 again. Several minutes of the inter-cut documentary footage have passed, and she is performing ‘Whatever’ in a scant and understated outfit. She is letting her ferocity as a performer speak for itself, allowing for her voice to make the statements, not her fashion or her trove of dancers. She is owning the stage.

There is so much movement, so much raw power to this concert.

I want to turn to Countdown Live 09-10 again. I want to wonder. I want to ask myself why I’m accepting “the best of 2009″ from Ayumi and thinking it’s okay in comparison to this, to seven years ago, to something amazing. A time I can never go back to.

On a personal note, I think it is because, in the back of my mind, I don’t want to believe that I never had the chance to see Ayumi Hamasaki live while she was still the fiercest singer in Japan.

She is singing ‘monochrome’ in 2002 and it sounds a thousand times better live than it does on record. I switch to the album cut for a moment, to remind myself. Ayumi on record in 2001 sounds staid, held back. On stage, in 2002, she is booming and holding on to each note. That voice. That singer. Where did that singer go?

I often tout Arena Tour 03~04 as Ayumi’s best. And it really is. It combined the singer with the show-woman that Ayumi has become. It defined her at a perfect point between two eras, while she still had the vocal chops and had not yet resigned to style over substance.

There is nothing wrong with style. I am a strong proponent of Arena Tour 2006, which seems to be as far as she was willing to go with over-the-top. Look at the performances for ‘alterna’, ‘STEP You/Ladies Night’, and ‘Bold & Delicious’, just to name a few. AT06 was a blisteringly stylish affair. There was flash to spare, and yes, her voice was still holding up. It was in the early stages of deterioration, but it was still strong, and it helped that the songs of ‘(miss)understood’ were tailored to her deeper, richer sound.

How much is too little?

She is standing still more than ever. In performances such as last month’s Countdown Live, she could barely move without straining her voice. As I watch her in 2002, she is moving wildly from song to song, around and around the stage, unburdened by costume changes for every two songs, unburdened by an obviously absent vocal range.

I am not happy about this. But I refuse to live in denial. I quote Ayumi herself:

“I have to sing these songs, I have to transmit these songs. That is the meaning of my existence, and I want to continue working hard so I can have a stage where I can feel at ease and have fun.”

I refuse to be in denial, but I will not refuse to admit that it breaks my heart. This woman remains my idol. Even as I watch performers like Beyonce and Lady Gaga and wonder “Ayumi. Honey. Why can’t you do that? Why can’t you be a fierce actress and rock the stage during every song like they do?”, I have to remember: Ayumi was a singer, first, a singer foremost. Watching Stadium Tour 2002 reminds me, as the sky darkens and she rushes the catwalk to sing ‘independent’. Then she takes the stage in that iconic Union Jack sequined dress, belting out ‘Free & Easy’ and making the hairs on my arm rise.

She has very little makeup on, and what is there just enhances her natural beauty. No wigs. No pre-recorded video segments to set the stage. No gigantic dress is needed to enhance a powerful ballad. The powerful ballad is the thing. It is not the accessory to the style.

When did it all go wrong? Here she is, in 2002, completely alone, all 5 feet and 1 inch of her, commanding a packed stadium in Tokyo on a hot summer night.

Re-evaluating is not a thing I like to do. I like to root for my idols, I live to root for my idols, and Ayumi Hamasaki is an idol I hold as dear as I hold some family members. She has treated me, as a fan, with respect and unbridled desire to please for so many years now, but…somewhere along the line, it all went wrong.

What you compensate with says everything about what you are compensating for. We have not been treated to an intimate, dancer-free, stripped-down and vocally-driven Ayumi Hamasaki performance to blow us away since 2006, and even that was just the encore.

I adore and still hold up the 2008 performance of ‘A Song for XX’ at a-nation as a magnificent moment for Ayumi, but with almost two years passed to reflect on it, I realize that it was less of a return to power than it was a resolution to fight.

Ayumi is not giving up. Ayumi will not give up. And I will not give up on her.

She follows ‘Free & Easy’ with ‘M’. Just a woman, her mic stand, and her incredible voice. Not Utada Hikaru, not YUI, not Namie Amuro. Different in every way, singing the hell out of a song she not only wrote, but also composed. Where did this woman go?

I am somber, as I watch Stadium Tour 2002, now, in 2010. At the risk of using a very similar word, I am also sobered to the fact that the Empress has no voice.

She casts her eyes skyward as the now-classic piano strains begin. She sings, with a voice that is no worse for wear from the two songs she just nailed to the stage:

“In a nonexistant place
I stand as I am.
Please be yourself.
That’s how I want you to be.”

It’s my favorite line from ‘SURREAL’, and one of my favorite Ayumi lyrics of all time. She is being lifted above the crowd in a cherry-picker, but the way she reaches over the barriers, it seems more that she is in a cage that is only barely doing its job of keeping her from physically imposing upon the audience the message of her lyrics.

By now, in any other Ayumi concert since 2003, it would be easy to imagine ourselves 6 costume changes in, as she sings ‘HANABI’ and a young dancer performs one of his first flaily solo dances in an Ayumi concert, his hair rather normal and wearing standard jeans and a white tank top.

It’s like watching a bizarro version of Ayumi Hamasaki. The carnivale-inspired costumes and opulence of the final set are familiar now, yes, but by today’s standards they seem absolutely tame, downright “boring” against giant stage mechanics, fountains, and rotating platforms.

Ayumi is singing every word of ‘Boys & Girls’. It was a lovely gesture to the fans in 2002 when, during the final chorus, they were asked to join in, but the mixing of the DVD is superb in showcasing Ayumi’s vocals rather than the crowd’s – if you compare 2002 to 2005, hardly anyone from the crowd joined in. Now, the crowd is a crutch during ‘Boys & Girls’, and is indicative of a larger problem. Listening to her sing every word of this song is downright odd.

Fireworks go off around the stadium, lighting up the Tokyo sky when she is finished.

I want fireworks to go up for Ayumi the singer again. I love her as a singer first, as a singer foremost. If we are to take her at her word, she will continue to sing as long as people will listen. I will continue to listen, but I have to wonder when it will be beyond criticism, when we will officially pass into the era of Ayumi the celebrity, of knowing simply who she is rather than what she is currently responsible for in the music world.

If scuttlebutt is any indicator, that era has come. But I believe in ‘You were…/BALLAD’, especially in ‘RED LINE ~for TA~’.

Give me a good concert again, Ayumi, or refuse to put yourself in the position of ridicule. This is something I have absolutely no desire to snark over. You are my heroine, my goddess, and my inspiration. I will always be listening, but right now it is comparable to watching Kerri Strug make an Olympic vault on a broken leg. Only, Ayumi…you’re not in the running for a gold medal.

“Please be yourself.
That’s how I want you to be.”

I feel bad. :(

I’ve been listening to AKB48 (even though I’m NO CLOSER TO BEING ABLE TO TELL EVERYONE APART – I need to be in the Idol Special Ed classes, seriously…) and K-Pop so often lately, I’ve been totally neglecting all the new H!P shit. I don’t mean that it’s all shit, literally. I mean, some of it really is, or maybe just aspects of it, but I like to throw that word around a lot. Understand that. YOU’RE NEW HERE, AREN’T YOU? Shit. See, there I go again.

Anyway, instead of giving boring reviews of songs, talking about how much I love harmonicas and hate those little bleepy parts that make ‘Bye! Bye! Bye!’ sound like your mp3 is skipping, I decided to go back to my roots and review some COVERS. FUCK YEAH, COVERS, I CAN REVIEW THE HELL OUT OF THOSE. H!P has always been an easy target where covers are concerned:

It's been what? Three years? I STILL WANT TO PUNCH THIS COVER IN ITS GODDAMN FACE. "Everyone get dressed in the dark, wander in, look as awkward as possible...don't worry, we'll add a background in post." WHEN EVEN MIKI LOOKS UGLY IN YOUR COVER, YOU'VE FAILED AT COVER.

So, what about Sumpin New? There is never a lack of newness to snark on in the Hello!Universe, so here we go.

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Since I spent my New Year’s Day working and then waching the two television broadcasts I’d been waiting FOREVER to see, it seems fitting that I put both the review together, here. I was just going to put them up here without any pics, but sucks to that, and your ass-mar (tits or gtfo, amirite?). I’ll just put whatever pics I can find. It’s cool! I can do zat!

Anyway, if you haven’t seen Doctor Who’s Christmas Special for 09-10, ‘The End of Time’, in its entirety, don’t read this. It will really confuse and/or spoil you (both would be hilarious). If you haven’t seen Ayumi’s Countdown Live My Titles Continue to Get Longer and Longer 09-10 ~FUTURE CLASSICS~ who gives a shit, no one cares about being spoiled on that. In fact, I think the Ayumi fan community eats spoilers for breakfast. They eat HATING ON AYUMI for lunch. I am part of the Ayumi fan community. I do not hate her. But I will give honest criticism.

Also, I’m sick as fuck and feeling very cheeky, so be prepared.

I wrote these this morning, who am I kidding. I’m only going through and adding pictures and other observations, durpity durp durp.

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I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. The sun was out for the first time in a couple of weeks, I was well-rested, and I still had ‘RED LINE ~for TA~’ to play over and over again while I was going through my morning routine.

But oh, what’s this up at AHS? It’s the motherfucking setlist from Countdown Live! The concert was already wowing me with its merchandise, specifically the very very cool Ayu-face t-shirt, the first official merch tee with Ayu’s face on it:

Tres Madonna, oui? Anyway, the merch looked fabulous, and I love the gothic-style logo, plus the very title of the concert, ‘Future Classics’, intrigued me. Seeing the setlist this morning made my world. I didn’t really think it could get better than last yearts PCDL, which was a smorgasbord of rare and never-performed songs. This year has some pretty popular fare, but dips back into the catalog with a very different approach:

THE SETLIST:

01. I am…
02. Moments
-inst-
03. STEP you
04. EnergizE
-inst-
05. About You
-inst-
06. momentum
07. You were…
-inst-
08. Pride
09. INSPIRE
10. Because of You
11. 1 LOVE
12. until that Day…
(countdown)
13. Humming 7/4
14. evolution
15. Startin’
(encore)
16. teddy bear
17. Sunrise ~LOVE is ALL~
18. Boys & Girls
19. RED LINE ~for TA~

(courtesy of 2ch and Coelacanthe of AHS)

I see there’s the standard “hyper-cute-girly-pink-crap” section with ‘STEP You’ and ‘EnergizE’, but having an all-out ROCK section (with three of the most rocking Ayu songs ever, might I add….’Because of you’, you have been sorely missed bb) and featuring ‘Humming 7/4′ in the core setlist and not just the encore (have I ever mentioned that as being my favorite Ayumi song? I don’t think I have, because I try to focus on different aspects of her music and say “oh, _____ is my favorite ballad, ______ is my favorite rock song” No no no no….’Humming 7/4 is MY. FAVORITE. AYUMI. SONG. EVER. Take that to the bank. It has been since 2006)? RELIABLE DECISION-MAKING. The presence of ‘Startin’ is also a treat (‘Startin’??? At the END? Say that ain’t on purpose), and let me TELL you I just about shat bricks when I saw that ‘I am…’ was leading up the show. Especially considering the obvious ‘I am…’/'You were…’ connection. Also, that song is a pure oddity in her catalog and I can’t get over it being awesome.

‘Pride’ has been one of Ayumi’s best live songs in recent years, it relies a lot on her alto and her vibrato, which kick ASS now even where her high range fail.

‘momentum’ has never gotten enough play, usually scrapped in favor of the perennial ‘M’, but OMFG ‘momentum’ is here.

I like my Ayumi encores how I like my coffee: with a spoon in them sweet, strong, and the same as always. I don’t require much change. I was never a fan of ‘MY ALL’, honestly, or ‘Replace’, as encore-enders. I personally haven’t quite gotten over the way ‘Who…’ keeps getting slightly truncated. So: I’d better hear ‘Boys & Girls’ or ‘Humming 7/4′ in the encore, or I’m just going to be peeved (not that my opinion really matters, but…you know…). This encore features two strong happy songs (one of them being ‘Boys & Girls’, fuck yeah), both incredible crowd-pumpers, one amazing ballad, and a song I am completely willing to hand over the ‘Encore Ender’ spot to for all eternity. I mean, have you glimpsed the lyrics of ‘RED LINE ~for TA~’? You must have a heart of steel if you’re not moved by that shit. LOVE IT. Of course, Countdown Live has been notorious for featuring an Encore Ender that never makes an appearance again (‘winding road’, wth), but my god I hope ‘RED LINE’ stands up.

I also have seen photos of the costumes, and here’s where the real kicker is: THEY ALL LOOK REALLY GOOD. I only have misgivings about the “hyper-cute-pink-girly-crap” Alice in Wonderland costume, but it’s only used for two songs and I don’t really think we can complain after the pink fuzzy cloak, fairy wings, and tiara from last year’s PCDL. *cringe*

She also sports a GIANT H!P BOW during one set. I’m just sayin’. GIANT H!P BOW is setting up franchises, apparently.

All in all, I can’t wait to see this. Especially since she looks to be sitting on her best-selling single in a long time. YOU GO GURL. In conclusion:

Well, I’ve listened to the ‘You were…/BALLAD’ single in full, remixes and C-sides and all.

I didn’t think the Ayumi fan community and I would find a common ground on anything, this year. But that thing is this single. I can say, without reservation, that it is her best for 2009. As a complete single, it actually beats pretty much everything from 2008, also. The last great all-around single from Ayumi, in my opinion, was ‘Talkin’ 2 Myself’.

Let’s consider each track on its own:

You were… - 3/5 - The logical choice for A-side, in my opinion. It’s a strong ballad, it carries the single even though it’s not my favorite track. In my opinion, her vocals are off the mark with this one. The instrumentation buries her vocals, and she sounds like she’s shouting to compensate. What begins as a nice, soft ballad turns into a cacophony of orchestration and jingle bells, most of it sounding very synthesized. I don’t like the way this was balanced at all. In short, I don’t like it when Ayumi is fighting against the music instead of leading a song. The bridge is even engineered in a way that drowns her out. I do like the song, don’t get me wrong. It’s a lovely ballad, the best since ‘Days’, but I honestly think the engineer should be shot for this.

BALLAD – 4/5 - This song, on the other hand, is exceptionally executed. The not-so-subtle East-Asian inspiration in the arrangement is so reminiscent of ‘Secret’, ‘Part of me’, and ‘theme of a-nation ‘03′. The entire time, Ayumi never lets her voice escape its natural range, even at the cost of a few of those annoying “hyper-vibrato” moments she’s been prone to lately (I love her vibrato, but that’s just me). My only complaint is the backing “boom-chhk” refrain throughout the song. I hope you know what I mean. The part that sounds like the opening of ‘ourselves’. I think the song would have been gorgeous just as an orchestral song. The East-Asian instruments used for the bridge are PHENOMENAL, and make the song something incredibly special. It’s soft, it’s understated, and it never hits you over the head with its melancholy power. Even the climax is staid, in a way. I love this sort of ballad from Ayumi, especially now that her voice is, let’s face it, limited.

RED LINE ~for TA~ – 5/5 – Here’s where I’ll probably differ from everyone. This is my favorite track on the single, arranged by one of my favorite Ayumi collaborators of all time (also responsible for ‘Memorial address’ and ‘Is this LOVE’, amongst others). It reminds me of some older Ayumi compositions, even the way her vocals are showcased with that almost-screechy edge to them. She sounds happy and pitch-perfect in this one. It’s like the over-produced likes of ‘Replace’ and ‘My All’ had a baby with the raw studio power of ‘Girlish’ and ‘Memorial address’ and produced this song. Yoshio even gets a bitchin’ solo! It’s uplifting without being cheesy, it’s epic without sounding too slick.

You were… (Music Box Mix-retake version-) -3/5 - A separate take of ‘You were…’ set to the barest of music box tinkling sounds. Almost a vox-only take, and when the overpowering music is stripped away it becomes clear how great her vocals really sound (maybe it’s just this take…?) Very relaxing, the verses are gorgeous, but she still sounds like she’s straining in too many parts, as if the song is written out of her range on purpose. Not okay, imo. Just like in the Original Mix, she pretty much shouts the choruses.

Sunset ~LOVE is ALL~ (Orchestra version) – 4/5 - No secret, I loved ‘S/S ~LiA~’. Strangely though, when I hear this song I think it’s too stripped-down for ‘Sunset’. The very essence of ‘Sunrise’ and ‘Sunset’ was in their respective arrangements, and though the vocals are sweet and lovely and soft, it’s not an improvement at all. It’s almost a lateral move, if anything, and only if you’re wanting something more orchestral for the given mix you’re putting together.

Verdict: BUY THIS SINGLE, OKAY.

I’m too 1) lazy and 2) busy to complete this Year in Review the way I wanted to. I realize that I just don’t have as much to say as I thought I did. Therefore, considering that this week marks the release of THIS:

SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

…I’ve decided to throw my format out the window (like a professional, responsible journalist) and just count down my Top Ten Asian Artists of 2009 like every other regular jackoff. *shrugs* Eh, come for the eyecandy, stay for the snark. There may be snark. WARNING: THERE MAY ALSO BE SOME BILE-SPITTING. Just getting that out there.

Who wins? Who loses…well, let’s see. This is a list of the artists whose songs I’ve liked most in 2009. This is not a countdown of which Asian artists have, all history spoken, made the most impact on me. I think everyone can guess on those. 2009 was a strange year for me, musically. I didn’t quite know what to think of what my tried-and-true favorites were doing. Things were changing, not always for the better. Sometimes simply for the mediocre, other times for the WTF. Nonetheless, I was up and down and all over the place during 2009. Very few artists retained the same status they did from 2008, whether it be moving up in my ranks or slipping down, down, down.

So who made the cut?

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This one isn’t nearly as hilarious as ‘You were…’, but that’s because it’s actually a decent video. DECENT BY AYUMI STANDARDS, OKAY?