Still not impressed. Except by Chisato. Chisato impresses me.

Pink Wota’s third anniversary is coming up in May, which I find terrifying and also a little sobering. Especially since my domain renewal comes up in less than ten days, and I still haven’t gotten around to paying for that. I will, but…the fact that I didn’t jump on it is very telling.

I began writing this article, honestly, at the end of 2009. In my black notebook in the cramped handwriting that suggests I was on a writing jag when I wrote it, I’ve titled the article “A Wota’s Requiem for 2009 or ~what the fuck am I doing?~”. 2009 drew to a close, and I realized several things. Some are important, some are not. It was the first full year I lived without my mom. That’s important. 2009 was my first year in six that I did not attend an anime or fan convention of any kind. That’s not so important. In 2009 I accomplished very little as a writer, and my ambivalence about that is neither important nor unimportant. Like a lot of things about last year – for me, and for everyone – that last bit just is, and has nothing to do with anyone or anything else.

A few people may not be surprised by this, but as early as December I began wondering why I was even blogging anymore. Gone seem to be the days of just talking about what you like and don’t like, sharing opinions in a calm and mature manner, and recycling old jokes. Or maybe, I’ve also thought over these past months, I’m doing too much outside of my own enjoyment. For instance, the many times I’ve joined and participated in fandoms for television shows, movies, obscure book series…I always burn out a couple of years in. It’s not the fault of the source material, not at all. I just tend to find The Fandom to be indistinguishable after some time from my fandom, siphoning the original love I had, that undefinable spark.

I mean, there they are on my wall, right above my computer. Koharu. Maasa. Erika. They’re looking down at me, they’re judging me. Actually, it’s more like they’re just smiling at me and cheering me on, which makes me feel even worse when I have to tell them that I don’t know how long I can really keep this up. From the very beginning I wondered what was wrong with me that I wasn’t the sort of wota who spent a lot of hard-earned money on tons of photos and trinkets and other merchandise (really, the answer is because I have no money, but it didn’t stop me from racking up massive credit card debt in my early Morning Musume fan days, collecting all their CD’s. Yeah, I had to sell that collection off in 2007 to pay off the massive credit card bills I’d incurred) (still not paid off, not Morning Musume’s fault). Was I not into it enough? I learned songs, I learned dances, I bought what I could afford and I lamented after the rest. I used to systematically break apart every release, from the aesthetics to the music and even beyond (Ayumi Hamasaki being my primary science project, there, but H!P got the treatment a few times).

J-Pop is my love and my joy, and over about seven years (ten, if you count my old anime music obsession/gateway drug) it has become a large part of my life, something by which people know me, something by which I tend to define myself. So why do I question what I’m doing here? How do I still know all the moves to ‘Renai Revolution 21′ and yet feel uncomfortable in my own blog?

It could be that I’ve lost interest, but the more obvious and self-pitying answer is that I don’t have time to do the research I want, yet still want to do more than just announce new releases or critique costumes. With the exceptions of Ayumi Hamasaki and H!P pre-2007, maybe I really don’t have any idea what I’m talking about. And I’m sorry about that. If you come to Pink Wota and find my fact-checking fuzzy, I apologize. I tried to explain, in the couple of years I hosted our J-Pop panel at anime conventions, that information isn’t often the easiest thing to find for a new would-be fan, especially an anglophone. All I really want to do on PW is talk about the music I like, the artists I admire, but when I still don’t talk about acts like THE Possible or Shiina Ringo so much, it’s not for lack of love or caring. When I bite my tongue on AKB48 it’s not because I don’t love what they do.

I just don’t know, am afraid to make a mistake, and have become so jaded with fandoms in general that most times I’d rather eat rat ass than ask questions on forums. Arguing on the internet is the lamest pasttime of all, and I’ve seen a devolution occur, to the point where arguing on the internet seems to define the J-Pop fandom (what are we, K-Pop!? Guys, seriously). Self-researching is harder, yes, but at least it doesn’t come with the possibility of fandom dickery and bias. Granted, dickery and bias is funny, and I do enjoy me some witty hate, but only to an extent. I love my J-Pop fandom, but at this point I’m fragile to sharing it. Even recently I’ve found that one petty misunderstanding can sour a song for me, and risking that is something I am increasingly hesitant to do. After all, I came here for the music in the beginning. That’s not changing. Fortress of Solitude, headphones on. I do like what I like.

Ya gotta have a thick skin. I suppose I can only be confident in blogging away at Ayumi Hamasaki because I am not only well-versed in her work and background, but also have a thicker, more objective skin where she is concerned. Debating Ayumi seems to have more meat, to me, more legitimate avenues of exploration and interpretation. Arguing about which member of H!P is the best comes with a morass of innavigable spite, and very few people seem to be The Dude:

BE THE DUDE.

Does it seem to anyone else that war broke out over the last year? Snarky, bilous, pointless war that was difficult to avoid? H!P changed its whole fucking rule book, and those who took the opportunity to seek out other idol music found themselves in an unfortunate crossfire. Here is where I find myself (and I stress that this only myself, this is a personal post of epic proportions, and I don’t really expect anyone to give a shit – I’m word-vomiting for blogging catharsis):

1) I don’t care enough about current H!P to have a place within the fandom there.

2) I don’t know enough about the other groups I now like to write or say a damned thing without sounding like a retarded flipper baby.

and

3) The snark I resort to in place of facts just makes me feel like a douche and mourn for the old days of mindless gushing.

It’s as if there is some taboo against asking for help in the Asian music fandoms. I’ve heard it before in my previous Morning Musume years: “I can’t keep those girls straight! I don’t know who’s who! Can someone please help me?”…I actually helped a few friends. It’s a serious undertaking. It took me considerable time, I know. Therefore, I bow down to those bloggers who have made “Get to Know” or “101″ posts. As for myself, I committed a few days of my time (between work and other important things) to learning the girls of SNSD on sight. Difficult, difficult, difficult, but I DID it. Do I feel like I can do anything, now? Hell, no, because there are at least four other K-Pop groups I want to learn and it’s like they all keep adding members and shit before I can tell them “STOP!! YOU’RE MAKING IT WORSE!” (<–see? Snark. It makes me feel like a douche)

So here I am, left with my options: continue to self-research and enlist the aide of friends when available, hoping the faces and voices of AKB48, KARA, After School, and all the rest sink in, or just try to force it?

I asked myself that question back in December. I’m sitting here now, looking at it, and laughing. Because apparently I chose something between the former and the latter. I don’t want to force it. H!P took some enjoyable time for me, and it doesn’t strike me, looking back, that I had oodles more time back in 2004, 05, and 06 to learn. Somehow I feel like we’re all expected to knew new groups, faces, nicknames, and personality traits within a month, these days. It’s like “OH YOU CAN’T TELL WHO OGAWA SAKI IS YET GTFO” and, honestly, you guys, I’m scared. Not that someone can knife you over the internet, but for fuck’s sake that’s how crazy some people get. I just don’t care as much, and while I can look at people like Ray and CJ and see that they’ve moved on, I’m a bit more hesitant. I have “wota” in my blog’s title for fuck’s sake.

I don’t learn things that quickly. I can’t. I’m still too busy digging the music. To wit, I loved Muse since 2005 before, last year, ever giving a shit about what they looked like. Matt Bellamy seriously could have passed me on the street in 2007, while I was listening to ‘Origin of Symmetry’ on my iPod, and I wouldn’t have known. I probably would have been like “did you dress yourself in the dark, you tiny, strangely attractive man?” but I wouldn’t have known.But yeah, different worlds, because J-Pop and K-Pop are all about the image, right? AUGH I hate trying to justify why I sometimes just don’t care, and yet sometimes do.

When I drool over AKB photospreads, I want to know whose legs or whose belly I’m wanting to nuzzle. While we’re on the subject of AKB: I wanted to write so much about ‘RIVER’. I loved it, it re-awakened my J-Pop love, it was my favorite J-Pop song of 2009. But with the exception of a handful, I still don’t know who’s who. I can’t compare Maeda’s lines or close-ups to Random Girl I Don’t Know Yet. I can’t identify AKB by split-second. And yet I don’t want to do this until I’m seized by the overwhelming desire to Do It On My Own (cue ‘Muscle Museum’), because otherwise it feels like I’m doing it just so I can seem hip, cool, with-it, knowledgeable about something I didn’t really need to know when all I was doing was going “this song is absolutely amazing – and that one girl with the fringe is super-cute”.

But I’m in that crossfire. I’m still thinking, tweeting, about H!P (occasionally, though this has dropped off like…idek a proper metaphor. Like Morning Musume’s single sales. ZING), still wondering what’s next, hoping for an awesome year in H!P despite all the snark. So far, that isn’t really happening for anyone but Berryz. IN MY OPINION. No yelling on the internet, please. The AKB vs. H!P wars seem to have died down a little bit since the winter, but I still don’t want to risk my neck in toeing the waters.

Yet it seems disingenuous that I ask for everyone to get the fuck along – after all, I’m trying to distance myself from organized fandom, right? I’m the one who criticized every move Morning Musume made last year, right? I still love to make fun of Mitsui Aika because Cheez-its Cry she is such an easy target, right?

Yup.

So what the fuck am I doing? I’m definitely not above this, and I certainly don’t feel too old for this shit in my heart of hearts. After all, anyone who sticks around long enough will start to notice that their fandom gets younger. No shit. It’s because you’re getting older. The grand embrace that seemed to happen between new Star Trek fans and established Star Trek fans (even bringing some of us established ones out of the fandom closet, so to speak) seems almost storybook – new fangirls and fanboys wet their pants over awesome new movie, end up waxing GQMF about DeForest Kelley, Majel Barrett, even Voyager (>_>). That’s no comparison to anything that has happened or potentially could happen in the Asian music fandoms, because there is too much delineation, too much new and not enough real interest in old (unless you want to be one of those ever-increasingly stereotypical “I LIKED AYUMI HAMASAKI UNTIL ABOUT 2004″ or, hey, I fit into this one “I LIKED MORNING MUSUME UNTIL ABOUT 2007″ people). I mean, Deep Space Nine vs. The Next Generation is not Team K vs. SweetS, and consuming back catalogs of movies, TV episodes, books, comics, etc. has much more substantive discussion fodder than old albums and concerts, if you can even find them.

I used to think that H!P fans had dedication, but what we really had was a well-practiced cycle of what to expect. A new group here, a graduation there, five or six singles a year from the major groups, and concert DVD’s in regular increments. Auditions occasionally, and on rare and sensational occasions, a scandal.

It wasn’t consistent and unrelenting drama. It worked while it did in Japan, that cyclical and predictable formula, but it doesn’t anymore. Maybe – conjecture, here – the information age had predisposed a generation of fans to consistent and unrelenting drama? And I notice that, in the absence of having it happen within the body of work itself (K-Pop does a good job with that, and the netizens just take it from there and – BAM! BATSHIT TIME!), the fans tend to make the drama themselves. Haters, antis, what-have-you. Yelling on the internet.

Had I made it to Anime Expo 2009, it would have been right near the end of my cycle of love for Morning Musume. I can’t fault anyone for still loving them – they’re still Morning Musume, after all. But after writing this big, weird, rambly article, I realize what the fuck I’m doing. I’m trying to keep blogging the same way I did in 2007, when that isn’t how my mind is working, anymore. Might as well pass the torch. *throws torch into crowd, runs* Catch that shit. Use it. I’ll sporadically post random things, try to be topical and perhaps funny, but eh.

When you don’t care, you don’t care. And you can’t force it. Then it’s just not fair to the real fans, or to yourself.

Shine on, you crazy diamonds.

Buono! forever.

For the record, here is my 2010 Hello Blog ranking, not that it really matters after all I’ve just said:

I feel bad. :(

I’ve been listening to AKB48 (even though I’m NO CLOSER TO BEING ABLE TO TELL EVERYONE APART – I need to be in the Idol Special Ed classes, seriously…) and K-Pop so often lately, I’ve been totally neglecting all the new H!P shit. I don’t mean that it’s all shit, literally. I mean, some of it really is, or maybe just aspects of it, but I like to throw that word around a lot. Understand that. YOU’RE NEW HERE, AREN’T YOU? Shit. See, there I go again.

Anyway, instead of giving boring reviews of songs, talking about how much I love harmonicas and hate those little bleepy parts that make ‘Bye! Bye! Bye!’ sound like your mp3 is skipping, I decided to go back to my roots and review some COVERS. FUCK YEAH, COVERS, I CAN REVIEW THE HELL OUT OF THOSE. H!P has always been an easy target where covers are concerned:

It's been what? Three years? I STILL WANT TO PUNCH THIS COVER IN ITS GODDAMN FACE. "Everyone get dressed in the dark, wander in, look as awkward as possible...don't worry, we'll add a background in post." WHEN EVEN MIKI LOOKS UGLY IN YOUR COVER, YOU'VE FAILED AT COVER.

So, what about Sumpin New? There is never a lack of newness to snark on in the Hello!Universe, so here we go.

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...for little girls get bigger every day!

A PICTORIAL RETROSPECTIVE ON

THE YEAR IN DELICIOUS CAKE

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LET’S ALL GET DRUNK, GET CRUNK, AND BREAK OUT OF THIS KOHA-GRADUATION FUNK!

Whoa, I’m sitting down two write this at 9:19 pm on 9-19-09. I just…wanted to point that out. Kinda cool. Anyway. I proposed this idea to Shirow over chat a while back, and I’m not going to go back on it. Why not a rundown of who won at H!O Picboard this week? A quick little yummy list of eyecandy. I call to my fellow eyecandy-loving bloggers to share their favorites, as well!

Below the cut are my Top Ten Picboard Photos of the Moment. WARNING: May induce nosebleeds. Also may not be “new” pics, so to speak, but they’re new to my HD. OKAY!?

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…of the moment, at least. Just some eyecandy to tide you over until I can get my ass to write something substantial. On deck I have a review of ‘Inglourious Basterds’ I’m cooking up, plus some little projects of relevance.

AUGH WTF. I guess I need to tweak my new WP settings. You can’t click on the pictures for full-sized, and that saddens me. Well, it’s past 3:00 am and I need to go to bed. Odds are, no one will read this, anyway. If you really want a full-sized, ask in comments. They’re all here, they’re just *hidden*

Yajima Maimi (so many pictures of Maimi, so little time!!)

Choi Sooyoung

…and kissing Taeyeon…

Erika Umeda

Takhashi Ai’s Ass

Boy!Chisato

Koharu Kusumi

Sugaya Risako

Natsuyaki Miyabi

(Nishiwaki Ayaka) A-chan

Umeda Erika will be graduating from C-ute on October 25th to pursue a career in modeling.

BBBAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Also, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

MORE LIKE GOODBYE FUN IN THE SEA

Hopefully you guys know that Umeda Erika is one of my favorite H!P members, ranking right behind Koharu Kusumi for active H!P girls that I absolutely adore. That’s in ALL OF H!P. I’m not fucking kidding. Sometimes I feel like her only fan. That’s a lonely club to be in. But honestly now I can say how much the “ugly” and “untalented” comments piss me the FUCK OFF. You guys can shut the HELL up, she’s leaving, you don’t have to worry anymore. I thought Kanna was less than pleasant on the eyes most times, but I still managed to throw out the random compliment to her occasionally.

So, yeah:

Sadly, I can’t go have a beer to calm myself down about this one (I’m due into work shortly), so I’ll just go take a shower and finish up this post (which will be an actual TRIBUTE post, instead of a bashing, hating, HAHAHA GOODBYE post, thanks) after. I want to make this thing classy and truly indicative of the depth of my love for Erika.

I’ll end with the picspam of epic proportions.

Erika first really caught my eyes in ZYX, of course, when I wondered “whoa, who’s the orange chick?” However, I thought she could really sing. After that I actually didn’t pay much attention, because, honestly, I didn’t really notice when C-ute was debuting. I was too busy following Morning Musume and I had no idea about H!O or anything like that. I listened to and liked a few singles here and there, but honestly I couldn’t name them all until 2007. Shortly after, I took this screencap:

…and fell in love. She has every trait I look for, physically, she moved well, and she sang well, too. She was over-the-top, theatrical, and had a certain Iida-Kaori-esque awkward charm to her in lives and Yorosen! appearances. As the months progressed, Erika went from being my least favorite member (just because, I’ll note, I’d gone with the crowd and said “yeah, so everyone’s saying she’s the ugliest one, I guess I don’t like her) to one of my favorites in all of H!P.

Thank you to Erika for representing the big-nosed, tall, awkwardly gorgeous chicks everywhere. Thank you to Erika for sticking it out even when being stuck on the far end for your entire career with C-ute. Thank you to Erika for providing me with delicious girl!love moments with Maimi. Thank you to Erika for being my idol. You won’t stop being it, honey.

Go work it, girl. I LOVE YOU. EVEN IF NO ONE ELSE DOES.

And, behind the cut, I present you with an epic Erika picspam gallery of epic epicness. But first, if you missed it over at my (soon to be defunct) Erika worship blog:

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