I realize that there hasn’t been much “prediction blogging” lately. This makes me sad. Not as sad as that one episode of Law and Order SVU where Stabler… Well, okay, there was that entire season where Stabler was kind of a whipping boy, but to point: speculation and crystal-ball gazing are dandy and make for some of the most entertaining reads in the blogosphere. Considering that, at least compared to 2007, H!P seems to be at its most stable, there is no time like the present to talk about things to come. Things I hope are to come. You know.
Oh, I’m only managing to eke out my plan for Morning Musume as of now. No elaboration on my hopes that Ayumi turns out to be a lesbian or else runs off with her guitar player, and not even word two on Maki Goto secretly being Ayumi’s still-gestating clone experiment. Just the Morning Musume article. I hope that doesn’t ruin your day. :’(
MY PLAN FOR MORNING MUSUME REVITALIZATION: A Filibuster, if you will
or – “Someone Fucking Graduates Again, Finally.”
Enough with the sudden additions! Enough with the new subgroups! Enough with Eggs popping out of every crevasse! Enough with the not even using the new talent you have. Tsunku, kick some people out. Here’s my grand idea. Ready? Go: hold some auditions, get some new girls. I mean actual singers this time, and ones who can speak Japanese going in. Preferably more than one or two girls, so as to create a melting pot of fan love/hate/ire/lament/lust/polarization. Stick to the original gimmick fer chrissake. Then, graduate both Takahashi Ai and Tanaka Reina (HOLD ON LET ME EXPLAIN). Make then an ongoing duo. High King, on their own. Since that’s pretty much what was going on, anyway. Saki and Maimi didn’t deserve the backseat, there. It was still fun. But Ai and Reina owned as a combination. I liked seeing both of them in that sexy, funky, sort of Destiny’s Child element (give me a break, I liked Destiny’s Child, ok?) Besides, every H!P fan I encounter seems to hate either Ai, Reina, or both (!?!?), and the amputation of them would serve multi-fold porpoises:
1) Haters of one and lovers of the other might, just might, reconcile.
2) Haters of both could finally STFU.
3) Kamei and Sayumi would become leader and sub-leader and MM would finally turn into a sugary, wryly humorous, sort of non-accessible wonderland of stoned-out partytime. I would so love to see Eri as leader, finally.
4) Maybe they might kiss? UFA seems to like that.
Oh, wait. I forgot about Risa. Sorry I forgot about Risa. Doesn’t everybody? Don’t take this to mean that I don’t like her. I really do! Especially after ‘Bon kyu! Bon kyu! BOMB GIRL’. But I want to see Kamei as leader so badly that I would even suggest fucking with tradition and letting THE ERI SHOW take over.
FROM THERE: Once Reina and Ai are touring to sold-out arenas and showing off their legs as much as possible, MM can restructure. Now, their first line of vocal defense is Kamei, Risa, and Aika. Hell yes, Aika. FUCK YOU IF YOU THINK SHE SUCKS. Did you listen to ‘Egao YES Nude’? JunJun and Sayumi will take care of the fanboy-bait contingent. Koharu can go solo, as the other member everyone hates
(except me, and other drug enthusiasts. Or just enthusiasts of people who do a lot of drugs. I really apparently fall into this category if you look at my list of all-time heroes. Ayumi being the only exception. Maybe). Koharu is a fine idol (I think), and she’s infectious at concerts (I think), not to mention she’s hot as Hell when she’s trying (I think), but she just doesn’t fit into the current lineup of MM. This leaves LinLin. Maybe they can finally figure out what to do with LinLin Maybe some new members can draw the fan fire while she develops a persona that isn’t the idol equivalent of cold oatmeal?
ASIDE: You know, I realize that I said all that stuff about really disliking it when people get niggly and catty and bitchy with the hate in their J-Pop blogs, and now I’m sort of doing that. But I figure that if you don’t realize it’s all in fun, you lose this round anyway. I mean, this was supposed to be a fun new direction with Pink Wota. Maybe you just ruined that. Maybe. For the record, because I’m a pushover, I don’t hate anyone in H!P. Not even Takahashi. See, “wanting to punch someone in the throat” and “hating someone” are not the same thing!
Getting on with it. Now, Morning Musume seems to be pretty drama-free, don’t they? These days they also seem to be pretty boring, too. I’m not talking about their music, their shows, or their always-entertaining ridiculous wardrobe. I’m talking about the behind-the-scenes stuff. I’m talking about the interesting part of it. After the inevitable auditions, I want at least one diva to be added to MM. A new Fujimoto, if you will. Someone we’ll always sort of be holding our breath around, wondering what she’ll say or do next. Aika’s slightly-evil antics are amusing, but not nearly up to the “I will scratch your fucking eyeballs out I swear to God” intensity that Fujimoto had in her heyday. So, yeah, another bitch for Morning Musume, that would be lovely. They can’t all be relegated to Elder Club and the Kids.
Now we’re working with a solid vocal base, a solid fan base, solid newmeat, a solid diva, and LinLin. Oh, I guess those songs should be improved, too. Morning Musume is so much fun when it’s experimenting. Bold new paths of musical forage cut through the J-Pop jungle, spanning genres and classification. Everything but rocking too hard, and Melon Kinenbi takes care of that (it would scare the wota, otherwise). Tsunku still hasn’t managed to lose his talent for writing lyrics, and he’s not a bad composer. In fact, I’ll bite and say he’s probably the best in pop right now. But, much as I like the arrangements on MM’s most recent releases, I’d gladly trade Daichi for a DANCE*MAN return. I know we’re talking about inventing a time machine, here, since he hasn’t arranged a MM single since ‘Souda! We’re ALIVE’, but the recent turn with Ongaku Gatas bodes well for those of us who hold out irrational hope. Keep in mind, though, I would ONLY trade Daichi for DANCE*MAN. Otherwise I think the songs are doing fine. Maybe something in between the blind poppiness of ‘Mikan’ and the sexy-sweet depth of ‘Resonant Blue’. Also, someone learn how to make fucking PV’s again, please. Morning Musume hasn’t had a PV to unite the fans coupled with a great song since Kanashimi Twilight, and that was more of a fluke just because the girls were all impeccably outfitted. It was still a cheap-looking, cheap-feeling PV. Build a set! It’s not that hard! You’re doing it for the Kids groups all the time.
The last stage is unfortunately impeded by a meteor crashing into Earth and wiping out 1/3 of the Earth’s population, also leading to Second Impact, but you get where I’m going, here. As long as MM can go out in a blaze of glory, I say.
Or they can just take the idol high ground, admit that the Kids groups have stolen the spotlight forever, and retreat proudly from the “flagship” group status. Yeah, like Tsunku would ever let that happen. “THERE’S NO BLOOD COMING OUT OF THIS TURNIP!!”
Wow, I just battled insomnia for many more hours than I intended. I didn’t spend all of that time writing this article, what do you think I am? I do important things. Like laundry. And makin’ some white rice for breakfast. Breakfast…OF CHAMPIONS. And LinLin.
