I was reading the newest issue of Vanity Fair the other day (DON’T JUDGE ME, I LIKE CLOTHES) and noticed this magazine cover in a small inset. I couldn’t help but notice the…similarity. I want to throw this out there for the record. The Vogue cover in question features five of the top Supermodels of the 1990’s, looking rather iconic. The Morning Musume cover is self-explanatory. I know there are only a limited number of poses one could ever conceive of handing to five girls in a tight space, but still.

You already know what I think about Alessandro Cortini, if you’ve been reading. Well, that is, if you’ve been reading more than just my J-Pop stuff. I have been known lately to occasionally slip out of what some people might think to be my “comfort zone”. The truth is, J-Pop is sometimes less of a comfort zone, because I mean, Hell, I don’t have a native-language basis on which to build my opinions. I’m just writing about the music and the thighs, most of the time. Except when I get way too analytical about Ayumi Hamasaki’s lyrics. So, let’s talk about Modwheelmood. I’m finally getting around to reviewing their latest “album”, which is actually just the third part of their third album, Pearls to Pigs. Released only digitally, the trilogy is one of those semi-epic things that take you by complete surprise. I wasn’t expecting to fall in love with a new band this year. Besides Buono!, they don’t count. But here I am. Damn your Mediterranean charm and irresistible smile and humping keyboards, Alessandro, you’ve captured my heart. Damn it, I was saving it for Yossie.

Your Place The whole thing opens with a strangely synthesized vocal/spoken word intro, and I have to say it opened my eyes when I first heard it. It certainly seems to be the sort of interlude that would lead into the final stretch of an album.

Lie This song is becoming one of my favorite things on this planet Earth, and I didn’t think that was possible after I’d heard ‘Mhz’ from Vol.1. But something about ‘Lie’ is beautiful in a way that takes all of MWM’s strengths – Pelle’s simple but emphatic guitar, the electronic method, and Ally’s vocals, which are blowing me away, here…is this the sweet-voiced guy who was warbling ‘paranoid’ five years ago, not quite intense and not quite gentle? He’s finally hit an intense perfection, but the range is still there. Let’s put that aside so I can talk about the lyrics for a moment. Are you human? Good, these lyrics will mean something to you. As I described Pelle’s guitar before, it seems that a lot of things about MWM are simple but emphatic, and all the better for that. These guys have a way of making the phrase “sometimes, anytime, words can fuck it up more…” into a poetic, climactic moment. Add to that some almost-abstract, universal bits of insecurity and veiled anger, and you’ve got ‘Lie’, which is the stand-out track on this album, and, indeed, one of the greatest songs in the MWM library to date. Also, dig on that funky Spanish guitar riff at the end!

Thursday Oh, phew, we’re tweaking around with the synth boards again. For a minute this seemed like a complete evolution of sound. But nope, here’s a soundscape of squeaks and pops, ambient vocals, complemented by gradually fading guitars and gradually building “Pac Man Beeps” (I have to admit I’m writing at about 75% of my capacity tonight and can’t think of any better way to describe them). Times like these you put a track like ‘Lie’, which could too easily be dismissed as a wannabe Snow Patrol or Bright Eyes ripoff (earnestly make that comparison and I will rip your eyeballs out I swear to god) next to this one, and the pop/rock/electronic fusion of MWM…well…it makes me smile. I don’t know what it does for you, that’s your business. ‘Thursday’ burns out in a shuddering orgasm of electronic fuzz, and I feel like I’m home again. I also feel like this might be Ally’s experiences with NIN shining through more than ever, because a track like this is one bass line away from ‘Ghosts’.

Madrid – Changes “Look at me, I’m turning into tragedy”. He sounds so goddamned happy about this, which lends an eerie quality to this song from the beginning. The penultimate track from Pearls to Pigs is nothing if not an opening act from the finale. Echoes of the lyrics from past songs like ‘Mhz’ and ‘Things Will Change’ show up here, and throughout Ally’s back-to-the-angelic-warbling vocals are backed only by The Almighty Synthesizer – I don’t know if it’s the Buchla. Maybe it’s the Buchla. I could just email the guys about it and sit on my hands for a response, but I don’t really want to be like “um, yeah, I’m writing a review of this album at about 75% of my usual perspicacity, and I only barely eked out the word perspicacity, can you answer some technical questions?” – until about the two minute mark. “Everyone is counting on the changes” The song is hardly epic, but it has the feeling of something epic abbreviated into an easy-to-swallow musical caplet. But maybe it’s just preparing us for something. Oh, wait, that’s it.

Scared of Everyone “Rewind, hope you’ve enjoyed, spent too much time stuck in the noise.” I have to say it, I love the lyrics here. There may not be many songs to Vol.3, but there are a lot of words, if I’m making any sense. I could say a lot about the music, but that’s not my favorite thing about this song. The songwriting is powerful, it’s compelling. Alessandro Cortini possesses an indomitable pop sensibility, but he’s managed to morph that together with a polished, unconventional sound. And poor Ally is scared of everyone. Sorry, dude. I’ve been to your site’s official forum. I got scared away, too. So I don’t really blame you, there.

By the end of it, ‘Pearls to Pigs Vol.3′ turns out to be a well-presented, elegant, and enjoyable little ride. I must say that I still list ‘Enemies and Immigrants’ as my favorite MWM album, but who knows – I have a tendency to change my mind of favorite albums a lot, so this might win on some random Sunday. Or Thursday. That would be more fitting.

Regardless, ‘Lie’ is worth a listen for anyone. If I ruled the world, it would be right there with ‘Graceland’ and ‘Humming 7/4′ on the “Required Listening for All Citizens” list. But, if I ruled the world there might also be legislation pertaining to glitter and kittens, so let’s just stop thinking about my global domination already. For more information on Veronitopia, please imagine the most ridiculous thing you can. Multiply that by 1000, and dress it like Alexander McQueen’s Fall Collection. It’s more ridiculous than that.

But ‘Lie’ would be required listening. I guess that’s good for something.

Thanks, MWM. Please keep bringin’ it. Please?

Or because I’m bored and also – I’m going to admit it – impressed. I see the LQ version pop up on YouTube and I’m all over it like a rabid hound. I write a whole review of just the LQ version. And then I find out that the HQ version is up on Dohhh! UP and I feel sort of silly.

MoMusu are BRINGIN’ SEXY BACK.

This video has four important things which make me love it immediately – 1. Everyone is well-represented 2. Everyone looks gorgeous, even Aika with her freaky hairstyle 3. THIGHS and 4. Dynamic camerawork, even if it’s only for three or four seconds at a time.

I’m like an overenthusiastic fanboy when it comes to thighs. My girl-lovin’ side shows its colors quite strongly on occasion, and nice thighs are usually a great cause for celebration. It’s a little happy place of mine, like guys with ghetto booties or Yossie haircuts. So, the thighs are all over this video – they can’t help but be, with those costumes – and I love it love it love it.

I love it. I love the poses struck, because let’s face it, there isn’t much actual dancing. C-ute is cornering the market on sexy dancing, while MoMusu has come full circle and is just running their sexy on full blast with this one.

In fact, I don’t think it’s legal for Aika to be so sexy. Yes, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. She’s reminding me, and I’m talking about bone structure here, of Mika Todd.

At this point I’d like to point out that LinLin looks really good, and energetic, and comfortable. You may have won me back, JunJun’s Less Interesting Contemporary.

Meanwhile, girls like Risa and Ai need no help. They’re already going full-tilt-boogie with the grown-up routine. And if I may say, Ai is more compelling by leaps and bounds when she isn’t touching her face every three seconds.

Still, what the Hell, UFA? This is going to be another ‘Resonant Blue’, isn’t it? They’ll release the full PV with the LE CD+DVD, I’m betting. Though, unlike ‘Resonant Blue’, this song sort of begs a minimalist rendition. Remember, we’re covering Pink Lady, here.

Wow. I know I say this all the goddamn time, but I love Morning Musume’s new PV. Maybe I just realize that these things are rare, like a perfectly-cooked steak, and instead of pointing out things I don’t like about it, I always just relish it for what it is. Sure, the presentation could be better. But it’s a really fucking good steak and how often do we go out for steak anymore, anyway? Jesus, we can’t have nice things. Ungrateful brat. Shut your mouth. Oh, wait. Tangent, sorry.

Edit Point the Billionth: WHEN DID KOHA GET SO TALL!? :O :O :O

Edit Point the Billionth and One: Why are they pretending to shoot us? DON’T DO IT, MOMUSU! I’LL BUY YOUR COP-OUT COVER ALBUM!!

Ummmm….in the realm of Things I Would’ve Put On My LJ Had I an LJ Anymore, this motherfucking ice cream tastes straight up like motherfucking cupcakes. WORD.

FADE IN

INT. MORNING MUSUME’S GIANT HEART-SHAPED LAIR CARVED INTO THE SIDE OF A VOLCANO SOMEWHERE
OFF THE COAST OF JAPAN

AI’s eyes flutter open and she wakes up slowly, turning over to check the clock

AI

Everyone…what month is it?

RISA

I don’t know…April?

AI

September. September, you crazy bitches, it's
September.

AIKA

(waking up in the bed she’s still forced to
share with the Pandas)

Aren't we supposed to…you know…be making a new
album?

Ai grabs a cell phone approximately the size of one fingernail and dials.

AI

Condor? Yes, it's Mockingbird. We've been…deep…undercover…for
a few months, we wanted to check the progress of The Plan.

(a beat)

You know, the plan. For world domination.

(listens)

I see.
Okay. I don't know, the safest thing imaginable? Hmm…well, it can't be worse
than '1st GOODSAL’. We could do a cover album – I’m kidding.

(a beat)

You're…you're not kidding.

She hangs up the phone, not that you can tell.

AI

We're…doing a cover album.

KOHARU

Oh, for
fuck's sake. I can't stand this group anymore. Got any blow?

AI

No one's asking you to stay! Besides…a cover album
worked out…okay…for W.

REINA

Question! Do we get to say "Hey!" and
possibly "Fu Fu~~" a lot?

AI

It's a distinct possibility.

REINA

Will I keep getting solos?

AI

(evil stare)

Please stop JunJun and LinLin from climbing out the window. And Kamei – KAMEI YOU GET
BACK HERE!

So really, I’m trying to be excited about ‘Pepper Keibu’, Morning Musume’s forthcoming cover of Pink Lady’s classic song. I just have to raise an eyebrow or two at how this whole thing seems to have come together. First of all, Morning Musume has had a lot of time to be working on a new single and a new album. And don’t even hand me that “they’ve been very busy” line, because so have BK and C-ute but we see approximately 1000x more of them than we’ve seen MoMusu lately. I had this conception that they were in the studio toiling away at something that would finally propel them into legitimacy. I’m really, really foolish for thinking these things, and I’m also delusional, so ignore my hopes and dreams when it comes to MoMusu.

Then, the announcement of a new single comes out, and I’m excited by the look of the girls on the covers, I’m excited by the idea of a Pink Lady cover, even though covers are the ultimate cop-out. I’m enjoying the radio rip but I have to admit that it gets boring about halfway through. I was willing to forgive all of this until I realized than all all-covers album (oh-so-cleverly titled ‘COVER YOU’) was forthcoming.

Hell yes, I’m going to buy it! Hell yes, I’ll probably love it! But I’m sad, don’t you get that? I’m sad that we won’t have the pleasure of listening to new, exciting MoMusu material. They’ve been going in a good direction with all the genre-twisting, and I wanted to hear more, more, MORE! Instead they decide to pick Ai and Risa’s involvement with the Pink Lady TV movie out of a hat, run with the idea, and throw in some new terrible hairstyles (I’m looking at Aika and LinLin here…and I’m trying NOT to look at Kamei. KAMEI YOU SHOULD’VE RUN FASTER). Anway. Not much any of us can do but wait, and pass full scathing judgment when the album drops.

The single I’m looking forward to, despite everything I’ve said. What can I say, I’d look forward to dog-licked hosewater after a drought. See also: Ayumi Hamasaki’s ‘glitter/fated’ (though I ended up liking both of those songs…it still doesn’t excuse the year+ break between singles). Plus, these covers are ultra-spiffy. OH LOOK WHO’S IN THE SPOTLIGHT.

One thing I’d like to point out before I begin writing this: I love this new blog. I love Wordpress even if I can’t get anything to work the way I want it to (yet) and I have yet to stumble upon a theme that I think is worthy of being as bland and uninspiring as the blog it will represent. At level 65, I even forewent playing World of Warcraft this afternoon (on my day off, of all things) to update this piece of crap. Because, really, being a level 65 sucks. It’s all “Go buy more potions. Walk around Shattrath City. Walk around Shatt SOME MORE. Wonder why QuestHelper’s arrow is suddenly turning red when you’re right fucking there at the destination. Fuck this game all I want to do is kill some things. Fine, I’ll group with you guys. Are we ready? Are we ready? Are we ready? I bought like 50 potions. The priest wants to tank, oh that’s great. Wipe. Yeah, sure, let’s try again. Are we ready? Wipe. Are we ready? EPIC WIPE. FUCK THIS GAME. I’M OUT OF POTIONS NOW.” At least my guildies rule, even though I started playing WoW before ALL of them and they’re all already closer to 70 (or above it, with several alts) than I am.

Also, nin.com v.7.0 became public today, meaning that chat is going apeshit and all of us who were used to the nice, quiet beta are communally making the “D:” face. So I’ll stay away from that for now.

The H!P 2009 Calendar covers have shown up on numerous blogs, and while I could just be regurgitating the same old scans and the same old cursory reactions, I decided to stop playing nice a while ago. Here we go with The New Pink Wota on the covers no one who buys these calendars will get to see for an entire year (think about that).

Matsuura Aya: I really like this cover. I don’t like the sudden trend in H!P of patterned, shapeless tops, but I like this cover. Ayaya continues to get hotter as the years go by, and I really love her hair left loose and framing her face. Because let’s face it, she has a really skinny neck and a really big head. It looks sort of weird and bobbly when her hair is pulled back into those violent-looking ponytails UFA has a habit of giving her.

Natsumi Abe: Apparently she’s still very popular with the Japanese fanbase. God knows why.

Morning Musume: My favorite of the five covers, though I will admit to thinking one thing when the file loaded: “WHOA, WHOSE LEGS ARE SPREAD? Oh, wait, that’s just a nice little trick of posing.” Come on, tell me I’m not the only one who thought this at first glance. I love the white outfits, the lighting, and the peaceful background. I think this is the same room where they shot the ‘SEXY BOY’ PV. I think some of them are wearing the same shoes they wore in that one. Hey, they have to cut corners wherever they can. Koharu, Ai, Reina, Risa (<3 <3 <3 <3), and Kamei all look gorgeous and, in some cases, thigh-licious. Now for the others. LinLin, they give you the center of the calendar cover and you fuck it up by posing for your Glamour Shot at the mall. What did they do to her hair – will someone please explain this to me? She basically has the haircut that made me despise Kamei for a long time. I don’t know who she’s supposed to appeal to. Also, thanks for the Mandarin-style collar, UFA. For a minute I almost forgot that she was Chinese. JunJun almost wins. Almost. But there’s something about the way she 1) looks completely bored with the photoshoot, and 2) appears to have 4 fingers, thanks to the angle of her hand, that kills it. Hair is yes and dress is yes, but that hand thing won’t stop freaking me out. And then I remember that JunJun looks pained when she smiles, and I can sort of forgive her for the pissy facial expression. Now…Sayumi. Sayumi’s hair ate this photoshoot. If you get rid of all that shit going on above her head, it’s perfectly acceptable. If she were standing up she would appear to be taller than JunJun, for chrissake. Also, she looks a little pissy, too, or just like the acidy spit is building up in her cheeks and she’s ready to spew and kill some of the older, prettier girls. Last but not least: Aika. Aika fucking terrfies me in this photo. She looks like a leprechaun. What’s the Japanese equivalent of a leprechaun? I might know, but we missed the Folklore and Fairy Tales panel at MetroCon so we could go bitch about how much MetroCon sucked. AIKA IS A LEPRECHAUN AAAAHHH GET HER AWAY FROM ME. But my favorite thing about this entire cover, aside from Risa and Kamei looking so drop-dead beautiful I just want to fall over and die of happiness? It’s wondering how many guys will be examining Reina very closely to see whether they can magically see past the shading and catch a glimpse of her panties. CLEVER GIRL, REINA.

Berryz Koubou: Oh hell no girl you did not just. My first reaction, aside from “WHAT IS WITH ALL THE PATTERNED, SHAPELESS TOPS!?” was “Were their legs all bruised and scabby or something? Because that bottom half is a total cop-out and looks like it was done by a 3-years-old boy.” You know what, I was going to do a more in-depth attack on this cover, but I just can’t. Those tops are too hideous. I can’t make it past them. It’s the same girls as always, they’re just wearing hideous tops. Winner for “Least Hideous Top” is Chinami, which is good since she’s my favorite and everything. Between this and the BK/C-ute Battle Concert, I might be starting to frown upon BK a lot more.

C-ute: Literally: “(while wheezing laughter) WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!!?! NO REALLY. THIS IS A JOKE. THIS. IS. A. JOKE. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA.” Just when we think that Tsunku/UFA are predisposed to making every group look like crap next to C-ute in a well-planned takeover plot, we get this. C-ute raided the community theater costume room, put them in The 1900 House and WHAM! Exciting new direction for my favorite kids’ group! I ask again: what the fuck is the Disney World Showcase shit, and why should it make me want to buy a calendar, even if it is C-ute? Why is Airi in My Fair Lady? Why is Maimi a flamenco dancer? Did they have NO sense of cultural sensitivity when outfitting Erika? Are Kanna and Nakki going to duet ‘The Lonely Goatherd’ on the next album? What is going on with this photo. Why are they outside? They had to walk outside in these costumes. I will forgo the joke about Chisato and Mai having borrowed their costumes from the Pandas, and I will just give everyone another wide-eyed “WTF”. All that aside, Maimi looks really hot. So does Erika, in that “this will get you btichslapped even on Halloween” way. But man…with all that costume fuckery (I can’t wait to see what Celestia does with this one, oh hohohohoho!!!), how did Maimi turn out so hot?

And that’s all from me regarding that little bit of head-spinning WTF-ery. On an overall scale I think Ayaya wins, but I have a really special place in my heart for how ridiculous and ill-conceived the C-ute…thing…is. So why not award them 666 points and get it over with? Just to fuck with their heads. “Really, someone likes our cover best?” YES I DO. I would leave that on my wall all year ’round, next to my Coldplay and Planet Terror posters, just to point out to my friends the absurdist element to J-Pop which intrigues me. That calendar cover is almost surrealist. Wow. I can’t stop staring. Maybe there’s a hidden message in there, like: “We’re all boinking Johnny’s Jr. members!”

On that note, bye for now.

In which I blog about something other than J-Pop. I love the expanse of possibilities which are now open to me! Pray, what manner of FANGIRL shall I bestow upon my readership today?

Well, I’ll be damned. Three years ago Alessandro was more like a found object who happened to be a member of NIN. Now, I not only can’t imagine the line-up without him, but I feel he may have surpassed Trent in my fangirl heart. What the Hell is wrong with me. Now, it’s difficult to explain exactly when the affair began, but it probably has a lot to do with my departure from LiveJournal. You see, the title of this post was, during rough drafts written at Panera Bread (fitting…wow, I thought I might make it through this article without an Italian joke and I didn’t even make it two paragraphs. Open the flood gates, then!), “Alessandro Cortini is my new D-BOY”. I’ve been woefully bereft of D-BOYS updates because I no longer have my LiveJournal to keep them all neat and organized and overflowing with Seto taking the same goddamned photo every three minutes and uploading it. So I’ve turned to nin.com and ETS, and damned if that’s not just as gratifying, if not moreso! Of course, the touring band seems to be a conflagaration of iPhone whores, so photoblog updates are expected. So seeing photos like this (that photo didn’t appear on the photoblog, but there are like ones) is too much for me to stand. I finally had to own up in an e-mail to Ashkta (isn’t that where I own up to everything?):

———————-

In the absence of daily D-BOYS blog feeds, I’m forced to rely on my NIN board travels, and damnit I think Alessandro is becoming my favorite thing in the whole world.

———————-

• He is a legitimate musician. Not that Charlie Clouser wasn’t, but Ally seems more like the vice President of NIN at the moment.
• Maybe I was just predisposed to focus on him at the Duluth show because, aside from Justin Meldal-Johnson’s fro, he was directly in my line of sight. Maybe that’s it.
• It seems impossible for Rob to post an unappealing photo of the dude. He’s always backlit like Jesus or bathed in the stunning glow of the light show.
• He has hair that, for a non-D-BOY, does a very good job of keeping my interest.
• His name sounds like a line of couture handbags or shoes. I like handbags and shoes.
• Closer to my age than 86% of the D-BOYS.
• Sometimes sort of projects this dorky type of energy that endears me to him (see also: Shirota)
• Keyboardists/Guitarists/Vocalists/all-around musicians are hot, okay?
• He cooks. He talks about food almost as much as Araki. But he, you know…makes his own.
• Calling him “Ally”.
• Italian guys can really go either way on the “swarthy” or “hot” scale (sort of like NIN members in general, really…), and he happens to win on the fangirl end.
• Don’t get my started on my analysis of ‘The Slip’s cover.
• Modwheelmood is really fucking fantastic.
• On that note, I thought this was a girl singing. And standing there. Until I realized it was Ally. Ahem. (see also: Kieran Scragg)
• Hangin’ around NIN chat. He does this more than I do, it seems.
• Ghosts, motherfucker.
• This .gif (c/o xcore at ETS):
• Ladytron.
• The way he pronounces “understand” in MWM’s ‘Things Will Change’
• Awwwwww!