I’m too 1) lazy and 2) busy to complete this Year in Review the way I wanted to. I realize that I just don’t have as much to say as I thought I did. Therefore, considering that this week marks the release of THIS:

SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

…I’ve decided to throw my format out the window (like a professional, responsible journalist) and just count down my Top Ten Asian Artists of 2009 like every other regular jackoff. *shrugs* Eh, come for the eyecandy, stay for the snark. There may be snark. WARNING: THERE MAY ALSO BE SOME BILE-SPITTING. Just getting that out there.

Who wins? Who loses…well, let’s see. This is a list of the artists whose songs I’ve liked most in 2009. This is not a countdown of which Asian artists have, all history spoken, made the most impact on me. I think everyone can guess on those. 2009 was a strange year for me, musically. I didn’t quite know what to think of what my tried-and-true favorites were doing. Things were changing, not always for the better. Sometimes simply for the mediocre, other times for the WTF. Nonetheless, I was up and down and all over the place during 2009. Very few artists retained the same status they did from 2008, whether it be moving up in my ranks or slipping down, down, down.

So who made the cut?

10. KODA KUMI

Best songs of 2009: ‘Show Girl’, ‘Driving’, ‘Lick me’, ‘ECSTASY’

For better or for worse? I honestly didn’t pay much attention to Queen Kuu this year, and that’s entirely my bad. I was too busy getting too revved up about new and exciting groups or being just plain disinterested. By the time I had the chance to go back and give TRICK a hearty listen, it turned out to be one of the better albums of the year. Still, I’m not particularly happy with Kuu’s increasingly bipolar marketing tactics. She’s either a virginal balladeer or an all-out, well, show girl. The above picture is actually Kuu in a state of MODEST dress. I’m simply sick to death of her ballads, and I wish they would stop. She had a few good ones, but with such amazing dance-and-rock driven tracks on TRICK, it just proves that Kingdom was a flop in my book for a reason. Too much ballad, too much R&B. Here, in 2009, especially with the epic triple-a-side ‘3 SPLASH’, Kuu is back with a vengeance. For the better. I will look forward to hearing and seeing what she has to offer in 2009.

9. MORNING MUSUME

Best songs of 2009: ‘3,2,1 Breakin Out!’, ‘SONGS’, ‘Guruguru JUMP’, ‘Nanchatte Renai’, ‘Ame no Furanai Hoshi de wa Aisenai Darou’ (a.k.a. LONG-ASS TITLE BALLAD)

For better or for worse? Their placement at #9, with the end of their 9-nin reign, in 2009, marking the release of their 9th studio album…was entirely a coincidence. It just fell that way, and I can’t help but be a little bit creeped out. Simply, I had to love Platinum 9 DISC because it had some of the best J-Pop songs from 2007 and 2008 on it. But the new material they put out in 2009? I could honestly care less. Morning Musume seems to be appealing to the lowest common denominator instead of trying the new, bold, interesting and sometimes corny things they used to. An album comprised of old singles, a beautiful ballad, and a slew of SOLO TRACKS? Fuck that noise, fuck that noise I did not pay to hear a bunch of solos (which, let’s face it, between Reina and Ai MM was trending toward that anyway). ‘Shouganai Yume Oibito’ lost its novelty for me after only a few listens, as did ‘Naichau Kamo (KAMO KAMO KAMO KAMO KAMO KAMO KAMO KAMO STOP YELLING)’, whereas ‘Nanchatte Renai’ is actually growing on me. I still can’t stand the vocals on ‘Kimagure Princess’, and I’m afraid I’m going to have to be one of those bitter people who will remember this as ‘The Year Koharu Left’ rather than ‘the Year MM came to the USA’. I still watch concerts and find myself loving what I’m seeing – which is to say, MM is right where I always hoped it would never be – eyecandy, and nothing more.

BUT!!

Morning Musume has three very important things going for it: Ai-chan is getting more gorgeous by the day (albeit…uninteresting, she’s hot and she can sing), JUNJUN and LINLIN. LinLin especially. After her solo in ‘Aozora ga Itsumademo Tsuzuku You na Mirai de Are!’ (aka LONG-ASS TITLE HAPPY SONG or ‘Aozora ga blah blah blah you know’), we all now know where the true hidden talent of Morning Musume is being kept. The rest of the thing is getting stale. Morning Musume needs to shake things up majorly or I’m afraid that next year, unlike this year, I won’t care about not caring. But, even if that happens, I’ll still keep living in the past. I love Morning Musume and what it, as a group, has done for broadening my musical horizons and giving me joy and excitement. Don’t let it stop. NAICHAU KAMO KAMO KAMO KAMO.

8. f(x)

Best songs of 2009: ‘La chA Ta’, ‘Chocolate Love (Electronic Pop ver)’, ‘Chu~’

For better or for worse? Da’s right, previously unknown Korean girl group that debuted in the THIRD QUARTER OF 2009 outranks Morning Musume for the year. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET, MORNING MUSUME. Anyway, let’s look at f(x). Holy shit, these girls are poised on some incredibly bright prospects. Between their dancing, singing, and personality strengths, they have the key “It” factor. That “It” factor is Amber. Amber Amber Amber. She looks like a beautiful Korean boy, raps like a superstar, has charm and charisma, and speaks three languages. In fact, f(x) tend to conduct blogs and updates in English just as often as they do Korean. By this, I am pleased, as they seem to be riding the wave of the future. I have listened to f(x)’s meager 2009 offerings, even the subpar ‘Step by Me’ (which is still fun, just too….safe) SO much in the last few months, it’s a wonder I don’t know some Korean by now.

P.S. Wonder Girls would have made this list but they ain’t released new shit this year dawgs.

7. BERRYZ KOUBOU

Best songs of 2009: ‘Dakishimete Dakishimete’, ‘Seishun BUS GUIDE’, ‘Watashi no Mirai no Danna-sama’

For better or for worse? Definitely, Berryz is keeping their awesome intact. They are growing up, but they are still growing up with the goofiness and charm afforded them by such irrepressible personalities as Momoko, Maasa, and Chinami. Also goddesses Risako and Miyabi. Some of the best voices in H!P right now can be found in Berryz, but they’re not flashy or showy. Berryz is fun, and still embodies that good ol’ Hello!Project zazz. Three solid singles this year, the best H!P DVD of the year, and some face-meltingly awesome photobooks (WHERE IS MIYABI’S 2nd, OR CAPTAIN’S 1st???), and yet they still only rank 7th. Well, I just had more groups on my mind, and as much as I love ‘Dakishimete Dakishimete’, I can’t listen to it over and over and over.

6. PERFUME

Best songs of 2009: ‘NIGHT FLIGHT’, ‘edge (⊿ mix)’, ‘Kiss and Music’, ‘One Room Disco’

For better or for worse? I’ve been over Perfume in an earlier post. I can’t tell you how many times I played ⊿ over and over and over. ‘edge’ practically became my “I’m going to go get shit done YYYEAAAAHHHH!!!!” theme song of the year. On top of that, I almost want to thank Perfume for landing me my current job. You see, I work as a manager as a store called Perfumania, and during the entire interview process I got all superstitious and would only listen to Perfume songs to and from my interviews. Dork though I am, I got the job, and diva be ballin’.

5. SNSD

Best songs of 2009: ‘Gee’, ‘Genie’, ‘Ha Ha Ha’, ‘Chocolate Love (Retro Pop ver.)’

For better or for worse? I didn’t even KNOW about SNSD until I heard ‘Gee’. Hell, the most I knew about K-Pop was that Rain was hugely popular, I’d always liked BoA and SES, and the Wonder Girls were kicking ass. Then I discovered SNSD and, as the legend goes, was heard to remark: “They’re a better Morning Musume than Morning Musume!” They have some commodities that Morning Musume does not, though: the benefit of incredible marketing (did you SEE the commercial leading up to ‘Genie’s release? That shit was incredible. I can’t even find it on YouTube but I know that it got ME excited about the mini-album), and LEGS. LEGS UNTIL TUESDAY. In fact, SNSD’s dancing alone is so great, you’d think it would be all they needed. Nope, they also sound good, too. And unlike a lot of K-Pop groups I hear, they don’t bore me with pre-fab recycled R&B everytime they open their mouths. SNSD is here to make you FEEL THINGS. That’s what I love about SNSD. I cannot wait for more.

4. AYUMI HAMASAKI

Best songs of 2009: ‘rollin”, ‘Sunrise ~LOVE is ALL~’, ‘Sparkle’, ‘NEXT LEVEL’

For better or for worse? Ayumi had a bad year for publicity. Her print and video work was sometimes laughable bad, plastic to the point of inducing nausea. But beyond that, I think her music really spoke for a creative exploration this year. Whether you loved it or hated it, you have to admit it was interesting. The songs ‘Sparkle’ and ‘rollin” are like nothing she has ever done before. Unfortunately the live performances of these songs do not do them justice in the slightest…

…yeah. But I can say, without shame, that I still listen to NEXT LEVEL regularly and I like it.

And now, let’s finally address this business about ‘Sunrise/Sunset ~LOVE is ALL~’.

What was everyone else wanting? This song was fresh, it was well-arranged, it had beautiful vocals and a powerful development. For me, it was one of those songs that told a story through its music, not just through its words (the words were nice, but not epic). The climax always gets me going. I love ‘S/S’ with all my heart and would put it in my top five songs of the year. That’s including all genres and nations of music, and it’s not just because I feel loyal to Ayumi. Sometimes you get that pang of shame when you really, really love something that no one else does. It’s called peer pressure, and I’ve been known to succumb to it before. I will concede that the covers were the absolute worst she has had since…geez, for a representation of Ayumi herself they really are the worst ever. I will concede that the video could have been more dynamic, but someone conceptualize a better video and then we’ll discuss. Shit. ‘Sunrise’ particularly is a simple song with a simple message that just happens to be delivered in a classically uplifting way. There is motherfucking harpsichord in this song’s intro and you’re going to bash it. Okay, fine, be that way.

I decided to stop bowing to peer pressure this year, about the time I listened to ‘Nanchatte Renai’ and realize I didn’t OMG LOVE IT right away. Fuck peer pressure.

If you hate it, that’s fine. But allow other fans to love it, please. ‘RULE’ simply wasn’t Ayumi’s best song of the year SORRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU.

3. AKB48

Best songs of 2009: ‘RIVER’, ‘Kimi no Koto ga Sukidakara’, ‘Iiwake Maybe’, ‘Namida Surprise’

For better or for worse? I am still a fledgling scuttling about in the newb nest of AKB48, but I know what I like. It just happens that every time I try to articulate why AKB48 does for me what no other girl group does right now, I freeze up, I can’t speak, I lose my reason and just go “BECAUSE! THAT’S WHY!” So let’s try to unleash my loquacious side and put into words what made my ears burn with passion and desire when I first heard ‘RIVER’ (which, again, is another one of those songs so many people are hard-pressed to hate. And they’re allowed to. But I retain the right to KEEP IT AS MY FAVORITE SONG OF THE YEAR). I can boil it down to the word ‘passion’ easily. I heard it in their voices, their chanting, the way the girls weaved in and around the incredible beat and melody given them. I see it when they dance. AKB48 is a shrewd idol business, and it is obvious that each girl is nothing more than a glorified stray pup, an orphan, vying for your attention, your love, your VOTE. AKB48 is idols being SELLING WIZARDS, and not always necessarily through sex appeal. Each girl has her own way of winning fans and keeping fans. Look at Sayaka’s ferocity, look at Yukirin’s charming longcatness. Look at Sae’s cheekiness and vivaciousness. Look at Maeda’s showboating. It’s all like watching and hearing one big COOPERATIVE COMPETITION, and it is brilliant. As my friend Nate said when I showed him, an AKB virgin and complete newb to the ways of J-Pop, the ‘Namida Surprise!’ video: “You have no idea how happy I am, watching this.” It goes beyond cute girls in seifuku. It really does. AKB48 doesn’t need to do anything more than what’s it’s doing – just KEEP. DOING. THAT.

Sometimes a good idol group formula is like sex – don’t stop it when you’ve hit the sweet spot, you’ll just ruin the whole moment.

2. NAMIE AMURO

Best songs of 2009: Literally, seriously, everything Namie has released in 2009 has delighted me. For documentation’s sake, though: ‘WILD’, ‘Dr.’, ‘FAST CAR’, ‘LOVE GAME’, ‘COPY THAT’, ‘MY LOVE’, ‘Defend Love’, ‘Shut Up’ I COULD GO ON)

For better or for worse? I missed Namie during 2008. I really did. PLAY was hands-down the best J-Pop album of 2007, so I waited patiently through BEST FICTION and the ensuing tour, the amazing Vidal Sassoon 60s70s80s tie-in series, for signs of a new album. Namie is smart. This can’t be simply avex, it really can’t be. If Koda Kumi is the bipolar one of the avex trio, and Ayumi is the schizophrenic, Namie Amuro is completely in control of her surroundings and her career, perhaps to the point of being the Obsessive Compulsive. Shortly after 2009 was upon us, we were graced with the awesome single ‘WILD/Dr.’. Rumors of a new album began immediately, but Namie was a teasing, hard-working, money-making machine, and she milked us for every ounce of excitement and anticipation along the way, releasing a hugely successful live DVD and a new series of Vidal Sassoon ads (with new songs) before finally announcing the new album. Even PAST<FUTURE’s album art reveal was one big exercise in anticipation. And now, having heard this monumental album, this, the single best album from an avex artist in 2009, I can finally shake my head, smile, and realize: the whole year belonged to Namie Amuro.

We just learned it now.

That’s how good she is.

Now you go and destroy those charts, you fierce bitch.

1. BUONO!

Best songs of 2009: Every song on Buono!2, ‘MY BOY’, ‘Take it Easy!’, ‘Bravo☆Bravo’

For better or for worse? I knew coming out of 2007 that I loved Buono!, that it was my favorite thing H!P had done since the formation of the kids’ groups in the first place. And here I am at the end of 2009 placing them above Namie fucking Amuro for my year-end countdown. I just cannot deny what I feel in my heart. Buono2 was my favorite album of the year – all genres and languages. And it’s not just clinging to hard-headed hope that I still love everything H!P does. No, I would be content if Buono! left H!P altogether, as long as they 1) retained this lineup and 2) kept their band. I think that Buono!’s band is just as integral to why I love them as are the girls themselves. There is something in music, live and recorded, that is so vital and yet so often lost in the pop factory: timing. Buono’s timing with their band is incredible, so I have to say that my love for them goes beyond just their cuteness and their voices (I finally decided that ‘Goal’ is superior to ‘Viva la Vida’, which, as a Coldplay fan, is saying a lot). I love Buono! as a group that knows timing, knows the importance of teamwork, and knows how to use what they’re being given. They’re being given some of the best music, some of the most diverse music, in idol pop right now.

The abso-fucking-lutely beautiful drums on ‘I NEED YOU’. BAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAM.

The HEAVY arrangement of ‘MY BOY’, that doesn’t let up simply because it’s three tiny girls singing. RIDE OOOOONN.

The – and I mean good god damn – blues guitar and banjo in ‘Take it Easy!’ SHINING! SHINING! SHINING!

And that’s just this year. Buono! started out as a cute unit with some cool songs, but now they’ve truly grown into what I’d consider the “musical” unit of H!P. The fact that they perform with a live band is not just icing on the cake for me, it practically IS the cake. It makes so much difference to see ‘Kiss!Kiss!Kiss!’ performed with a(n all-female) group of instrumentalists. The girls know how to play their voices, the band takes care of the rest. And Buono! don’t seem to be slouches on picking up an instrument here and there, either, even if they do suck. We’ll forgive them that. They have a lot to concentrate on.

FOUR!!! FOUR FOR YOU, GLEN COCO! YOU GO, GLEN COCO!!!

As I cannot adequately express my love of Buono! further without resorting to more ‘Mean Girls’ quotes, here’s one of those oh-so-incredible live clips: